January 7, 2015
Sitting here for the 3rd day I have realized that I look at her in a different light. She is so strong, but when I look into her blue eyes I can see the the pain of being alone and the wonder of how she got here. Every day I have the privilege of driving her 20+ miles to and from her Appointments for Chemotherapy and radiation. Every day we talk about our family 3 boys and 2 girls she has raised. Each one of us giving her the struggle of a life time at one point or another. Making her worry about where we are, what we are doing and if we are OK or not. Now I sit here, wondering the same about her. Will she be okay, what is she doing today and how can I take any pain away she might have.
My moms and my story starts when I was 11, we hadn't met yet and I had no idea there was someone out there waiting for me, wanting to love me and be there for me in away I have never experienced. She was 1200 miles away preparing a life for me, buying clothes, setting up a room and preparing my soon to be siblings for my arrival. I am sure she was scared and nervous and maybe a little excited. She had 3 boys and 1 daughter who she had already been raising but only had 2 of the boys living in the home. I would like to think that she was excited to have a little girl coming into the house who would even out the family and bring something new.
Meanwhile 1200 miles away I was just moving into another foster home and my social worker was desperately seeking for my biological father. Unbeknownst to her he was looking for me to. One month after being in another foster home, my father arrived to my school with his new wife and they picked me up and drove, they continued to drive and all I can remember was feeling safe for the first time in my life. I really didn't know these people but somehow I knew it would be better then what my life had already been. I sat in the back of the car listening to these two people talk about me, and they seemed so loving, caring and genuine. I didn't want them to stop driving, I wanted to get as far away as I possibly could with these people and never look back. Eventually we did stop at a motel and stayed the night, I can remember laying in bed looking at the door waiting for someone to come and take me back, but it never happened, we continued on our drive until we reached our destination, my new home, my new life.
She lies here in a chair with the IVs connected to her, her eyes closed but tears running down her face,this is the only time I have seen her let her emotions and thoughts really flow. She worries so much about how everyone else is handling her Cancer, how she can help people understand in all the while she just wants "him" to hold her, she wants to cry on "his" shoulder and she wants to go to bed at night with "him" and listen to "him" tell her he loves her and everything will be OK. She doesn't have "him" for whatever reason and us 5 kids try and be here when we can to help her but its not the same as "his" love. She talks about him appearing one day and saving the day. I pray that it will happen for her.
She is so beautiful, I remember growing up and looking at her and thinking one day I want to look just like her with the deep blues eyes she has, the beautiful blonde hair she always had flowing and her smile made me feel safe and loved. She was so nice to me growing up, treated me like I was her own flesh, like I had her blood running through my veins. She never hesitated to punish me or show me love. I am sure there were plenty of times she was scared, in fear of me hating her, but what she didn't know was that she was my HERO. The moment she touched me, grabbed me and took me into her arms and hugged me and told me everything would be alright I knew I was loved. I also know I wasn't easy on her, I tested her her love, her loyalty to me and no matter how hard I tried she never turned her back.
What happens, happens. We stay strong we are a family no matter what. Her famous line. Still even though we all are grown and have our own families and so many things have gone on in each one of our lives she still defends each of us no matter who is right or wrong and says "we are family" "we get over it". She has taught me that family is most important and each one of us will have our differences, but we will always be family. She has always seemed so strong to me. She was the one who healed us from broken hearts, tried to protect us from all the negative in life and shared moments of love and understanding with each one of us in her own way. As she lays here and fights cancer she still keeps on the HERO cape and fights this like a MOM. She handles it with kid gloves just like she has with us kids, but when she needs to she takes the gloves off and handles it like a BOSS. She is strong and tries to be strong for everyone else just like moms do, she doesn't show weakness and holds it together the way moms are supposed to. She is battling this Cancer the MOM way.
